Where are you?
In a non slutty way
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
