okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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