I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
