My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
