i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
