So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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