i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
