chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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