I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
