so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
