I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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