So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Randomize
