remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
