When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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