I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
