Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
