"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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