is your mom at the bar?
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
