my soul wont recognize me after tonight
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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