i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
