oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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