that's an acceptable place to lick
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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