theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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