I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Randomize
