apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
