Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
