I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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