Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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