do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
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