He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
