I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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