I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
