sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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