I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
