Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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