In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
