i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
