Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
