Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
