Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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