I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
