Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
