I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Randomize
