Define "chronic" masturbator.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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