Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
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