I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
