your parents love me but you hate me
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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