We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
