Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
that's an acceptable place to lick
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
