He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Mom said you looked used
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
