So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
