Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
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