During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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