life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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