My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
