God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
